I choose rest

Hey it’s Pam 🦋

I had a dream the other day.

There was a huge flash of light, so bright it was blinding, and I desperately wanted to follow it. I could feel the urgency in my chest, my heart speeding up, trying to keep up with it.

Then all of a sudden, the light disappeared in a flash. Everything went dark. I started crying for it, I want it, I want it, I want the light to come back.

After a few seconds I felt a warmth envelop me and I started laughing. I laid down and the warmth covered me in a blanket made of one giant pale pink rose petal. I closed my eyes. The light didn’t go away. It transformed.

I thought the light was something I had to chase, but it was actually something I could never lose. And if I let it, I could rest in it.

I experienced this in real life at our last CTNYC workshop (watch it here). Yes, we talked about business structure and taxes and invoicing, and we also talked about how our nervous systems react to the randomness, volatility, and callousness of the financial system. There was safety and care in the room while we worked through hard things. We found rest and reprieve in each other’s presence.

A workshop attendee shared this feedback: “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that you are not alone, I felt so seen in this class, it helped to know that there are mentors and other artists who you can relate to and learn from in a safe space.” 😭🙏🏼

An insight from our interpersonal neurobiology study group:

The financial system gives you the illusion of stable, static, and certain, it gives you that sense of control and explicit comfort *if you are white, cis-hetero, not poor, and able-bodied*, so we cling to it because it feels like it’s going to be the thing that saves us.

The sense of certainty comes from extreme systematizing - the cold impartial-seeming trappings of paperwork, bureaucracy, and money makes it seem like an absolute and satisfies the short-term desire to feel like we know what’s coming next.

But it’s not certainty, it’s a random flash of light that we’re always chasing, hoping it doesn’t disappear all of a sudden. We never feel safe and we are always beholden to the system's fickleness and disregard for human life.

Our humanity is what saves us - the warm blanket that reminds our bodies we are allowed to rest, to love, to feel. The safety in knowing that, while we might not be able to predict what comes next, we have an innate desire to take care of each other.

So choose rest. The light will always be there. And so will we 💖

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🦋Our next CTNYC workshop is on January 16, 2025 at 1pm ET/10am PT. The topic is Prepare your nervous system for making more money. Join us live if you can, there is an energy even through zoom that is palpable. 💌RSVP here