How to want things
Hey, it’s Pam 🦋
Another quick reminder! Our Art as a Business workshop is tomorrow (or TODAY depending on when you’re reading this!), 11/20 at 1pm ET. RSVP here. It’s virtual so you don’t have to be in NYC to join, yay!!
This is going to sound strange, but I’ve had to teach myself how to want things.
I’ve had to teach my clients how to want things too.
One of the earliest money lessons I ever got from my mom was that I should only buy things if they were on sale. I have memories of beelining for the sale racks in every store (Macy’s had the best ones) and doing all our back to school shopping at outlet malls. My wardrobe was full of Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger logo shirts and Levi’s jeans with last season’s cuts.
I remember the first time I bought something for myself that wasn’t on the sale rack. In fact, the store was so new, there was no sale rack. A Lululemon store had opened up in Santa Barbara. I had been doing yoga for over a year at that point, finishing my senior year of college, and just wanted a pair of their $90 yoga pants. Yes, they were $90 in 2007.
I walked in and was instantly greeted by a salesperson who helped me find my size, wrote my name on the dressing room door, and checked on me a few times to see if I needed anything. I settled on a pair of flared yoga pants with a rainbow waistband.
I can still feel the bounce in my step walking out of the store with the coveted Lululemon reusable shopping bag (that was a big deal in 2007!). These pants were literally the first thing in my closet that wasn’t on sale or thrifted. I wanted something and I GOT IT.
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “I need a dopamine hit.”
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “someone told me I should want this.”
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “this is the most practical choice out of all the options I think exist.”
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “maybe I’ll never get this opportunity again.”
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “I want that but I can’t have it, so I guess I’ll settle for this.”
It can be hard to tell the difference between “I want this” or “I’ve never been given permission to want anything so I can’t even begin to imagine what that word means.”
We’ve been taught to not want things, to only buy things we need, to sacrifice our wants in the name of optimizing our money… and I looked around my apartment one day and realized I hated everything in it because I had bought everything on sale and I hadn’t really wanted anything in it.
The irony is, we end up spending more money because we don’t know what we want. We’re chasing deals, going on discount vacations instead of letting ourselves plan to take the dream vacation, choosing the practical job or relationship or city instead of the thing that makes our heart beat a little faster or gives us butterflies thinking about it.
Then we end up spending money trying to fill a void of not getting what we want by… spending money on things we also didn’t want.
I wish I could give you something like The 5 Steps for Knowing What You Want and Getting It. I wish it were that easy. But our money histories, our run-ins with the financial system, our relationship with our families, our contorting ourselves to fit into the box that we hope leads to a livelihood - it’s all entangled.
What I can share are some feelings I remember when I truly got what I wanted.
There was a lightness to my step when I walked out of the Lululemon store that day. I felt like I didn’t need to buy anything for a long time - not out of guilt, but because I felt satisfied. My arms feel tingly thinking about it.
There was a sense of longing I felt whenever I thought about wanting to move to New York 17 years ago. I knew it was going to be hard to move across the country, but also it felt harder to stay where I was. I can feel it in my chest.
When we found our first house… well, here’s an excerpt from a long ago wordpress blog about it: “I saw the house first – it was filled with trash, it smelled like a combination of stale bodily fluids and vomit, squatters had been taking turns in it for the last few years, and I loved it!” We’d seen dozens of houses already and this was the one that made me feel like we could dream. I feel it deep in my stomach.
What are some times you remember when you really wanted something and you got it? How did you feel? Where do you feel it in your body when you think about it now?
Hold onto this feeling so you recognize it next time. It’s your body teaching you how to want things.